The Other Side of Forgiveness

I heard an illustration concerning forgiveness by Miroslav Volf a few years ago that deeply impacted me. At that time in my life, I was wrestling with exactly what forgiveness meant and how I could forgive in a more complete way. The tired rhetoric of “just forgive and forget” or “you better forgive or God won’t forgive you” really rubbed me the wrong way. Comments like that seemed “cheap.” It dismissed the individual’s pain from the incident and seemed condone the perpetrator’s acts. His illustration helped me tremendously with this so I wanted to share it with you.

Volf says forgiveness is like a present. It is given as a gift to another. People are happy to take the gift of forgiveness…but they have to open the box in order to receive it fully. What’s inside the box? The accusation of wrong-doing. In order to take the gift of forgiveness, the offender must take the responsibility for the fact that his or her decision crushed the heart of another. Forgiveness is not only a gift – it’s a scathing indictment.

Similarly, receiving forgiveness requires us to admit that we need to be forgiven. Obviously this is true with the gift of the cross. We receive forgiveness from Christ after we admit that we need that forgiveness. And that’s usually the hardest part. Though we are happy to do this with Jesus, what about with each other? That was my question. How do I grant forgiveness without giving the impression that I condone the betrayal? That’s when I begin to understand that forgiveness happens in stages – it’s a process. A Christian needs to extend forgiveness to others, but that doesn’t mean their forgiveness will be fully received, simply because of the indictment it contains.

So, what we find mostly among people is partial forgiveness. The victim has forgiven but the accused refuses blame. Or the accused qualifies their actions were necessary for some greater good – something seen as more important than the victim’s betrayal. Or the accused dies before forgiveness can be extended to them. On the other hand, sometimes a perpetrator desires forgiveness, but the victim refuses to grant it. In all these cases, partial reconciliation is a best case scenario. Forgiveness remains in a partial state of completion. Sometimes things stay that way until the end of time – when both people can see forgiveness in the light of heaven.

So what are you saying, Sambo? I’m saying that forgiveness takes time. Forgiveness should occur when both people are ready. Forgiveness is not a cheap out for either party – the accused is not let off the hook and the victim doesn’t sweep their feelings under a rug of “Christianese.” True forgiveness is more than a concession to what we were taught in Sunday school – it is about making things right. Accepting forgiveness requires the accused to take the time to regain the trust of the betrayed – that long arduous journey is part of forgiveness. Because of this, forgiveness in our fallen world happens in shades of completion. We should be patient with others as they come to terms with the cost of forgiveness.

If you receive the forgiveness of another, make sure you are willing to accept what’s inside the box…