Are You a “Good” Parent?, Part 2

My last post reminded me of a couple of biblical examples that spoke volumes to me about the subject of Christian parenting.

The story of Eli and his sons is the first one (1 Samuel 2:20-36). Eli’s sons were priests and spent the majority of their time abusing their privileges in self-serving ways. No one would consider them “nice, well-mannered young men.” They were first class jerks. This passage often makes it into parenting seminars as an example of a gluttonous, lazy, and personally undisciplined father and the havoc that his lack of restraint causes. The inference is clear: Eli’s sons were horrible because Eli was a bad father. I can’t tell you the number of parents I’ve seen who, upon hearing about the inappropriate behavior of their children, are washed over with guilt because of the actions of their offspring. And it doesn’t matter the age – the child could be forty years old and still the parents feel they are responsible in some way. The church often reinforces those stereotypes, as if the personal humiliation isn’t enough on its own.

But here’s another biblical example we don’t talk about that much: the prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 8). Do you know about his kids? They were just as bad as Eli’s – possibly worse! In fact, their injustice and willingness to take bribes is what casued the Israelites to want Saul for a king. That may explain why Samuel was so against it. Even as Saul is being appointed over Israel (12:1-4), Samuel is still carrying on about his sons still being available to judge Israel – as if they are a better choice than Saul. By all Christian standards, Samuel is what a parent should be: a mighty man of God, modeling service and sacrifice to God on a daily basis. Someone to be admired and imitated. Yet, his sons reject his example, despite his efforts to influence them for the better. By chapter 12, it’s obvious that Samuel thinks a king is a bad idea – but more importantly, he’s so blind to his own children’s behavior that he actually thinks they are still qualified to govern Israel.

Okay, Sam, so what’s your point? Well, it’s essentially what I said in the earlier post. Good parenting is not about cause and effect or “if you do A, you’ll get B.” It’s not a formula. Parents have to believe that our parenting makes a difference. Otherwise, it’s an overwhelming task. But for Eli and for Samuel, regardless of personal devotion to God, the spiritual formation of any child goes beyond what even the best parents can do. Ultimately, each person has to recognize the pursuit of God in their life and be willing to respond. I can do my best to create an atmosphere where the Holy Spirit can draw my children into relationship. But in the end, each child’s response is their solely their own. And that’s not a bad thing. God pursues relationship with our children regardless of our behavior, simply because that’s what he wants. And his desire for their salvation far outweighs any hopes I may have for my children. So I model my Christianity, not because it’s important for them to see it. I model it because my Christianity is important to me. And as God pursues them, one day their Christianity will be important to them as well.

 

Are You a “Good” Parent?, Part 1

I’ve been thinking about what makes someone a good parent – or better yet, what we should consider good parenting skills. I’m finding there aren’t any hard, fast rules that determine whether your child turns out to be a Nobel Peace Prize winner or an ax murderer. And most kids end up somewhere in between anyway. A couple of books have brought this question to my attention.

The first was that fun little book Freakonomics. One of the chapters attempts to determine the bearing of different parenting styles on children. What the authors find is that socio-economic status has significant bearing in a specialized way. Children in middle to upper income families do better because of the opportunities that money gives them. Intelligence has little to do with it. For example, a child who reads children’s books in his/her home is likely to do well in life. But it’s not because they read better than another child. It’s because a child whose parents have enough money to buy children’s books are also going to have enough money to buy piano lessons, art lessons, etiquette classes, a private school education, etc. Baby Einstein videos don’t do much for your kid, but a parent willing to spend the money on those videos will most likely spend that same type of money on other things to make sure their children succeed. Interesting point. But it says nothing of spiritual or character formation.

The other two books were religious. The first was George Barna’s Revolutionary Parenting. This book was pretty adamant that a particular type of parent turns out spiritual “champions” on a regular basis. The type of parent? Evangelical and conservative. That wasn’t that surprising either – Barna is an evangelical. The point was that these parents modeled a Christian lifestyle for their children and gave them multiple chances for response. But I began to think about many of the Christians I know today…and whole lot of them were not brought up in a Christian home at all. And the more serious ones had a horrible upbringing. Maybe that’s because they actually understand the gravity of salvation since they were so far from God to begin with. Or maybe they understood the ravaging effect of sin in a more personal way. There is some truth to the idea that great sinners make great Christians. So Barna’s approach leaves out a whole lot of people.

The final book was Tony Dungy’s Quiet Strength. In the second chapter or so, Dungy talks about the exceptional example his parents provided for him. They were strong, church-attending Christians and both had higher level educational training. Both were teachers. By our society’s standards, that’s the one-two punch. It’s easy to talk about how great his parents must have been and that surely this was the reason for Dungy’s successful coaching career. But the last paragraph of the chapter throws a wrench in that scenario. Dungy stated that it wasn’t until years later as an adult that he made a commitment to Christ. Huh? Wait a minute. If anybody should have been a great Christian from the start it should have been Dungy. He had Christianity and education. But it didn’t impact him as much as we assume (or hope) it would.

So what am I trying to say? As parents we have to believe that our parenting makes a difference. Otherwise, it’s an overwhelming task. By secular standards, socio-economic status determines our success in life. But for Christians, it has to be more than that. Yet in both of the Christian books I described, the spiritual formation of any child goes beyond what even the best parents can do. In fact, some Christian parents who do everything right, end up driving their children away from God. As much as parents would like to believe that model parenting matters (and it can certainly help things), ultimately each person on this planet has to recognize the pursuit of God in their life and be willing to respond. I’ve come to understand that there is no way I can really introduce my children to God. Now, I can surely model the importance of personal relationship before them. I can also place them in environments where the Holy Spirit can draw them to him. But in the end, that’s between my children and God. And there’s nothing I can do about that.

But there’s hope. I also believe that God will go to the same extremes that he has done with me and my wife in order to develop a relationship with my children. God doesn’t pursue a relationship with my children because I want him to. He pursues them because he wants to. And his desire for their salvation far outweighs any hopes I may have for my children. So I don’t model Christianity because it’s important for them to see it. I model it because my Christianity is important to me. And as God pursues them, one day their Christianity will be important to them as well. Not as a cultural condition, but as a genuine love response to the overwhelming goodness of their Creator.

“Windowless” Parenting

I am an anxious parent. Scratch that. Petrified parent. I read parenting books constantly. And the sole motivation for reading these books is the sheer terror I feel when I consider that the solutions to the problems I face as a parent are already solved in a book somewhere. And I haven’t read it yet. I have three daughters. They are all extremely bright and independent and beautiful. I’m sure they already intimidate the guys in their classes. Heck, they intimidate me! But I think I’ve already picked up on some things that will be foundation for my relationship with them. For example I have figured out that when raising daughters, the issue at hand is rarely the real issue. The meltdown over not eating vegetables has little to do with hunger. It’s usually a trigger for latent emotion stored up from a hurtful event earlier in the day (or week). I’m a guy so I assume it’s actually about vegetables. Guys, listen up: it’s not about vegetables. The next part of that process is to connect with your daughter in conversation so that she will eventually tell you what the real issue is. To me, that process is one of the most fascinating things about raising daughters…it’s kinda like a treasure hunt. I’ve got some good theories, too – things I won’t be able to test for a long time. For example, I have a hunch that the resistance I will feel from my children at age 16 will return to our relationship when they are 36 if I continue to treat them as I did 20 years earlier. So, I’m thinking about those things now as well…while I try to figure out what’s behind the vegetable “meltdown.”

One of the areas of ministry I oversee at my church is “discipleship.” That simply describes the process of people becoming more like Jesus. It’s a tricky business. I can provide “avenues” for others to engage God. But I can’t make people choose to deepen their relationship with God. Ultimately, I feel the burden for the spiritual well-being of our congregation. However, they are not my most important “calling.” The best place for me to help someone become more like Jesus is in my own home. My children are my ultimate disciples. People at church may get my ideas and programs. And I can counsel and give spiritual direction to them an hour at a time. But rarely can I be available to them like any true opportunity for discipleship needs. That side of me belongs to my children. They get my presence and my ability to teach in the moment.

Parents miss this. We fill our children’s lives with quotes and adages and morality tales as we whisk from one task to another. But we often forget about the most important thing: modeling the beliefs we desire to instill in our children.  We provide them no context in which to grasp our “wise words.” So our words fall flat. I call this “windowless” parenting. Children often have no context or “window” to see why parents feel the way they do. They see no action associated with what we tell them are our most cherished beliefs. We can tell our children to reserve judgment and refrain from gossip, but they listen to every phone conversation we have. We can tell them to be honest and authentic, but they hear how we mask our true intentions with others. We can tell them mom and dad love each other, but they rarely believe it until we ask them to not interrupt us while we tell our spouse about our day.

Be a window for your children. They are your disciples.

Jesus Come Into My Heart…

Claire Grace has been talking a lot about God lately. At age four, she seems to be able to effectively grasp what it means to have Jesus “in your heart.” She also likes to talk about how much God loves her and mommy and daddy and everybody. She usually gets a look of wonderment on her face with that last category – how could he love everybody? I’m not sure, but I do know this: dwelling on that one revelation keeps me happy for days on end.

I was fairly certain CG understood the metaphorical reference of  Jesus in her heart. After all she’s a genius, right? – just like your kid is to you. Or, at least, it seemed like she did until Beth took her to a Christmas play at a local church last year. One of the youth members was dressed up as a ”grown up” Jesus. CG turned to Beth and said, “Look mom – Jesus jumped out of our hearts and now he’s on stage!” Okay…so maybe she didn’t get the whole metaphor thing. Then I got to thinking that most people probably don’t understand the implications of that phrase either. So here it is…

The Hebrew word for heart (lev, pronounced with a long e) doesn’t necessarily mean an organ in the body. It stood for the center of a person where all emotion, will, desire, and intention originates. In essence, lev means the “life seat” of a person. The main controls that set all else in order. So when a child prays “Jesus, come into my heart,” they are actually saying, “Jesus, come and occupy the life seat of all present and future decisions, intentions, and motives.” Now, that’s a little different than tallying “professions of faith” in a church bulletin, don’t you think?

The first thing that strikes me about that idea is that is affects the entire person. From a Hebraic perspective God intended to save the whole man, not just his spirit that floats to heaven one day. That’s why the Hebrews had no real doctrine of the afterworld. They solely concentrated on this life. They understood “heart” decisions as present life decisions. Second, the level of commitment within this little phrase is far beyond what most Christians are comfortable with. Third, Paul reflects that same idea when talking about being filled with the spirit and what that means exactly. I already blogged about that here. Finally, the implications of that phrase make me realize that Christianity, though it certainly has a beginning point at conversion, is more about growing into maturity as a life quest – a slow process of regeneration and sanctification.

So, there you go. As with any Christian parent, my goal is to help CG understand the implications of what she is saying when she says, “Jesus lives in my heart.” Come to think of it, it’s my personal goal for my walk with the Lord as well…

Jesus and Me at 33

Most folks believe Jesus entered his ministry days around age thirty and was crucified around age 33. I (regretfully) turned 33 in September. Other than the normal depressing thoughts associated with getting older, I have been thinking lately about how young Jesus was. He was a very young man. We live in a society where someone can make an impact in their thirties but most folks don’t consider you “seasoned” until your forties. Executive level jobs are normally held for those in their forties and fifties.

Churches in particular value age as a factor in determining wisdom. Elder boards are full of people in their forties and fifties. Why do we value age in that way? Well, for one, people in their forties and above have had plenty of time to “calm down.” Their children have worn them out and they’ve stayed put in a job for at least a decade. If they have stayed married to one person, they’ve put in around twenty years. They make major decisions a little slower and are prone to weigh all the consequences of their actions. They have had time to “sift” through life and see what really matters. They’ve also had the chance to “prove” themselves to others as worthy of responsibility.

Jesus did none of that. He didn’t wait on anyone for anything. He launched into aggressive ministry without the consent of or regard for his rabbinical peers. And by today’s standards, Jesus’s ministry of healing and demonic deliverance would’ve been seen as a that of a crackpot revivalist, praying on the weak minds of the underclasses and undereducated. He would’ve been considered way too young to wield that type of spiritual authority. What’s more, Jesus’s ministry was supported by contributions, a large amount of which came from women: a gender class with its own issues of persecution and representation at that time.

Though that may be shocking to think about, what really makes me wonder most is: what was Jesus’s mindset? Not what he said, but what he thought that no one ever heard. Granted, he’s the Son of God. Sure, that’s obvious. But his thought patterns (if he was fully divine and fully human) must have at least somewhat reflected that of every 33 year old man. And though Hebrew culture at that time was very different than ours today, Jesus was still a guy.

I started thinking about this in light of my own behavior at age 33. Though I have moments of maturity…I honestly try not to have too many of those. I think there’s still a lot of “my twenties” in me at 33. I still act immature. I still have a lot of energy. I still don’t like people telling me what to do all the time. I still shout at the TV when my favorite football team scores a touchdown. In other words, I’m spunky. And I imagine Jesus was, too. I’ve calmed down a lot from previous years. I’m working on getting to a decade of marriage. That’ll calm you down. My kids wear me out – I occasionally find myself begging them to go to sleep. And what energy I have left, I have the illustrious distinction of allowing church work to take the last of it.

Jesus didn’t have a wife. Jesus didn’t have kids. He was a carpenter – and most scholars see that as more than woodworking. Jesus worked a brawny, scrappy construction job and probably walked up the road five miles to Sepphoris everyday to do it. Jesus was wiry and energetic – he’d stay up at night to pray while everyone else went to sleep. He said highly inappropriate things - stuff about eating flesh and drinking blood. He called religious people older than him rude and critical names, made fun of local lawyers, dismissed the rhetoric of the local politicians, and told incredibly outlandish stories. And then he’d pray for everyone that needed physical healing. He was young, fiery, intense, and, to some, intimidating.

But I think that’s part of the reason he could make it all the way to the cross. Beth and I were talking the other day about your twenties and early thirties. It’s like God “hardwires” you to be crazy enough at that time in life to push forward with having multiple children, finishing education, marrying someone, and working your way up the corporate ladder. And in your thirties, you still think it’d be cool to be in a rock band in your spare time!  At no other time in life do you have that level of energy to simultaneously sustain that much activity at once. It’s insane. Yet, I think that’s part of the reason Jesus ministered on earth at such a young, unacceptable age. It took a certain level of youth and intensity to be the Son of God.

I guess I’m saying that I find solace in that. Older people thought Jesus was an “upstart.” If he can wrestle with his youthfulness and meet the needs of his followers, then God can use me too. In many ways, Jesus lived the life of every person in their early thirties. Hopefully, 33 will be better to me than it was to him… 

Small Frame Syndrome: A Genetic Disorder Affecting Millions…

My wife told me that my blog has been a little too “heavy” on the theology side recently and that I needed to lighten up a bit. Okay…point taken.

I am a slender person. Always have been. People have hated me for my metabolism in the past. But now things are changing. With the onset of the early thirties, I can now no longer eat whatever I want. I started counting calories a few weeks back for this reason. I’ve also been running for about six months now – just a mile or two, three times a week. Still, the calorie counting and the exercise does nothing to combat the slowly developing “tire” around my waist. It’s just a few pounds, but on me, it shows.

In light of this, I recently diagnosed myself with a brand new disease, though I believe many others share it with me. I hear they’ll be posting it on WebMD any day now. I call it “Small Frame Syndrome,” though I usually abbreviate it SFS because everyone knows official diseases must be abbreviated to be important. SFS affects millions of slender folk. There are a lot of people who can carry an extra 20 pounds without anyone noticing. These people have larger body frames. Heck, some of them could have a small child running in circles on the inside of them and no one would notice! These people believe they have indeed lost the genetic lottery. But listen to the complaints of a man with SFS for a minute.

A person with SFS immediately feels their weight gain in their clothes and in their face. People walk up to you, afflicted with SFS, and ask, “Have you gained weight?” like you are the poster child for starvation or something. You say, “Yeah I have gained a little.” The well-meaning observer shoots back, “Looks good on ya!” You say, “Thanks!” while secretly looking for the closest fork so you can stick it in their eye. The problem is that the weight gained that shifts your frame so drastically for all observers to see is a measly four pounds. That’s right: four stinkin’ pounds. Sadly enough, people with SFS have to maintain their weight within five pounds of their average in high school or the comments about beer guts and double chins come out of the woodwork!

You may be saying to yourself, “Whaaa, whaaa, someone call the whambulance!” And maybe I am complaining about something trivial. But make no mistake, SFS is a nerve-wracking condition affecting millions of people…yet, there still remains no support group started by a random guy named Bill or a particular psychotropic drug for this debilitating condition and the social scrutiny that accompanies it. Pray for those with SFS that they will be strong in the face of adversity and will take well-meaning compliments at face value.

A Humbling Realization…

This week, I discovered a hangover from staying at home full time that I didn’t expect. In fact, I thought the opposite was the case.

Stay at home life is very different from the corporate world. Not worse or better – just different. Though it has it’s own tremendous obstacles to overcome, stay at home life does move slower than the office. No doubt about it. At home, I had time to be more deliberate with my actions and attitudes, particularly where the girls were concerned. To me, that’s almost by design. Time moves a little slower at home so that best choice can be made for your kids as each question you answer shapes their worldview. Thank God for that extra time. Like I’ve said before, that’s what makes stay at home parenting such a sweet gig. Of course, it’s a catch-22 – I’ve talked about boredom at home in this post.

My realization this week? I can’t remember everything. It’s not that I am forgetting everything. I remember plenty of details. The problem is that the information comes too fast. I’m having trouble wrapping my brain around the sheer number of details, dates, and names of being the family minister at a 1200 member church. I’m sure I’ll adapt over time and begin to unconsciuously filter the information by level  of importance/relevance. But right now it’s a little overwhelming. I also have a newfound respect for those working parents who can “downshift” with ease when they walk in the back door of their homes. That, my friends, is a learned art.

After this realization the first thing I thought about was my corporate executive wife. She had to deal with this almost three years ago and I had no idea how to help her. But more recently, I got to thinking about how many times I’ve forgotten details that she had told me previously while at home that completely flew right past me. Or, better yet, when I asked her for the same information three times over. Geez. At that time, she was going 80 mph while I was going 40. I have a feeling that I may have dropped the ball a good bit. She never told me if I did though.

How’s that for a good wife?

A Stay at Home Dad Goes Back to Work…

I started my position as Director of Discipleship and Family Ministries this week. It’s gonna be a great job - I have no doubt about that. But something else has occupied my thoughts a surprisingly large amount: my children.  Though I had been warned about the transition back to the workforce, I have been amused by the wealth of feelings that have accompanied my first days back in the “real world.”

The strangest sensation has been that I feel like I’m living in someone else’s life a little bit. Like I traded places with someone else and am now occupying their office. Weird. But the most interesting and (hopefully) beneficial change has been my over all approach to work. Before, I was a super-hyped-up-task-list-machine-of-a-man. Alpha male to the hilt. Most of that is gone. And that has shown up in unusual ways.  For example, I’ve been taken back by the directness of other’s comments – things I would have said in past years. Now, those things feel harsh – not wrong or out of line or inappropriate – just forceful. I had forgotten how “strongly” people use words. I’m not sure what to do about that just yet. I just ended two years of rolling on the floor with toddlers and speaking gently to set an example.

Though some people in my shoes would hope that those more gentle attributes might fade away or maybe even feel that they might inhibit the respect of peers, I hope I stay this way. I actually feel comfortable in my skin. Few people ever feel that way. I have always believed that those “home-focused” attributes are found in great husbands and fathers. I’m surprised to learn that those same qualitative traits are essential to good pastoring as well. I’ll revisit the impact of our “great experiment” in a few months to see if I feel the same way.

Some Biblical Wisdom for Father’s Day

Enjoy!

http://www.claudemariottini.com/blog/2008/06/fathers-day-2008.html#links

Monumental Moments in Life

We’ve got some good things going on around here. First, I defend my dissertation on Monday, June 9th. I’m not that worried about it. Of course, if I bomb, then I’ll know I should’ve been…

But the most monumental moment this week has been potty training my youngest daughter. One week and were done! The key? Jelly beans – one for each potty use. We waited until she was three to train her and that may seem like a long time to some parents. But we waited because we wanted her to be old enough for it to stick. One time is plenty. I’d rather wait and train once than train early and have multiple relapses.

Why is that such  big deal to me? Well, other than the 25 bucks a week I get back for diapers, there are few things in stay-at-home life that can be measured successfully in a short time frame. You business people are all about the “metrics.”  But at home, your “data” is much more qualitative in nature. So, having something measurable – like potty training – is great. Granted, it’s not something anyone wants to hear about in the quarterly reports, but just because it’s not impressive to some, doesn’t mean that it’s not a big deal.

Keep it up, stay-at-homers! You’re making progress in ways no one sees but everyone expects. You’re the unsung hero of bodily functions!