My New Year’s Resolution

I like older people. Much of the time, they are content with where they are and they have an ease about them that makes one drop their defenses quickly. They don’t smirk either…they give you big, wide smiles, savoring them while they share a moment of laughter. They also have incredible B.S. detectors that can be set off at a moment’s notice. Don’t mess with them – they will call your bluff. Older people often have a simple wisdom that can be applied to most any complex situation in life. But most are not begging to give advice to others – they are simply content to live with what life has already taught them and we are presently learning.

I love watching parents turn into grandparents and the slow but steady shift in perspective this creates. Much of the responsibility (and headache) of parenting is gone and all that remains is a simple joy in providing unconditional love to a young child. And, with it, an unending supply of sentimentality and nostalgia. For grandparents, it’s amazing how quickly their nostalgia “filter’ can find and resting place over the most difficult of family situations. Sometimes I wonder if they see life through the warm and glowing lens of Hallmark Channel camera.

We have not had the easiest year. Life threw the kitchen sink at us. And in the past year I have not savored the love and liveliness of a beautiful wife and four children. I haven’t been a “bad” father or husband. I simply realize that there have been times when I was distracted by less important things. And that has caused me to live life somewhere other than in the immediate present.

I don’t normally do the New Year’s resolution thing. But I’m making an important one this year. My resolution this coming year is to live life with the sentimentality and nostalgia of someone double my age. It’s to imagine the fondness with which I will remember these very moments much later in life and transport that same fondness into the present. To revisit memories that, though they seemed bleak at the time, turned out to be powerful moments of grace in my life. And I’m not waiting until the New Year to make the change. There are many chances for “old” Sam to influence “young” Sam’s worldview in the next two weeks. Hopefully, my New Year’s “exercise” will turn into a lifelong habit. Feel free to try it with me.

Are You a “Good” Parent?, Part 2

My last post reminded me of a couple of biblical examples that spoke volumes to me about the subject of Christian parenting.

The story of Eli and his sons is the first one (1 Samuel 2:20-36). Eli’s sons were priests and spent the majority of their time abusing their privileges in self-serving ways. No one would consider them “nice, well-mannered young men.” They were first class jerks. This passage often makes it into parenting seminars as an example of a gluttonous, lazy, and personally undisciplined father and the havoc that his lack of restraint causes. The inference is clear: Eli’s sons were horrible because Eli was a bad father. I can’t tell you the number of parents I’ve seen who, upon hearing about the inappropriate behavior of their children, are washed over with guilt because of the actions of their offspring. And it doesn’t matter the age – the child could be forty years old and still the parents feel they are responsible in some way. The church often reinforces those stereotypes, as if the personal humiliation isn’t enough on its own.

But here’s another biblical example we don’t talk about that much: the prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 8). Do you know about his kids? They were just as bad as Eli’s – possibly worse! In fact, their injustice and willingness to take bribes is what casued the Israelites to want Saul for a king. That may explain why Samuel was so against it. Even as Saul is being appointed over Israel (12:1-4), Samuel is still carrying on about his sons still being available to judge Israel – as if they are a better choice than Saul. By all Christian standards, Samuel is what a parent should be: a mighty man of God, modeling service and sacrifice to God on a daily basis. Someone to be admired and imitated. Yet, his sons reject his example, despite his efforts to influence them for the better. By chapter 12, it’s obvious that Samuel thinks a king is a bad idea – but more importantly, he’s so blind to his own children’s behavior that he actually thinks they are still qualified to govern Israel.

Okay, Sam, so what’s your point? Well, it’s essentially what I said in the earlier post. Good parenting is not about cause and effect or “if you do A, you’ll get B.” It’s not a formula. Parents have to believe that our parenting makes a difference. Otherwise, it’s an overwhelming task. But for Eli and for Samuel, regardless of personal devotion to God, the spiritual formation of any child goes beyond what even the best parents can do. Ultimately, each person has to recognize the pursuit of God in their life and be willing to respond. I can do my best to create an atmosphere where the Holy Spirit can draw my children into relationship. But in the end, each child’s response is their solely their own. And that’s not a bad thing. God pursues relationship with our children regardless of our behavior, simply because that’s what he wants. And his desire for their salvation far outweighs any hopes I may have for my children. So I model my Christianity, not because it’s important for them to see it. I model it because my Christianity is important to me. And as God pursues them, one day their Christianity will be important to them as well.

 

Are You a “Good” Parent?, Part 1

I’ve been thinking about what makes someone a good parent – or better yet, what we should consider good parenting skills. I’m finding there aren’t any hard, fast rules that determine whether your child turns out to be a Nobel Peace Prize winner or an ax murderer. And most kids end up somewhere in between anyway. A couple of books have brought this question to my attention.

The first was that fun little book Freakonomics. One of the chapters attempts to determine the bearing of different parenting styles on children. What the authors find is that socio-economic status has significant bearing in a specialized way. Children in middle to upper income families do better because of the opportunities that money gives them. Intelligence has little to do with it. For example, a child who reads children’s books in his/her home is likely to do well in life. But it’s not because they read better than another child. It’s because a child whose parents have enough money to buy children’s books are also going to have enough money to buy piano lessons, art lessons, etiquette classes, a private school education, etc. Baby Einstein videos don’t do much for your kid, but a parent willing to spend the money on those videos will most likely spend that same type of money on other things to make sure their children succeed. Interesting point. But it says nothing of spiritual or character formation.

The other two books were religious. The first was George Barna’s Revolutionary Parenting. This book was pretty adamant that a particular type of parent turns out spiritual “champions” on a regular basis. The type of parent? Evangelical and conservative. That wasn’t that surprising either – Barna is an evangelical. The point was that these parents modeled a Christian lifestyle for their children and gave them multiple chances for response. But I began to think about many of the Christians I know today…and whole lot of them were not brought up in a Christian home at all. And the more serious ones had a horrible upbringing. Maybe that’s because they actually understand the gravity of salvation since they were so far from God to begin with. Or maybe they understood the ravaging effect of sin in a more personal way. There is some truth to the idea that great sinners make great Christians. So Barna’s approach leaves out a whole lot of people.

The final book was Tony Dungy’s Quiet Strength. In the second chapter or so, Dungy talks about the exceptional example his parents provided for him. They were strong, church-attending Christians and both had higher level educational training. Both were teachers. By our society’s standards, that’s the one-two punch. It’s easy to talk about how great his parents must have been and that surely this was the reason for Dungy’s successful coaching career. But the last paragraph of the chapter throws a wrench in that scenario. Dungy stated that it wasn’t until years later as an adult that he made a commitment to Christ. Huh? Wait a minute. If anybody should have been a great Christian from the start it should have been Dungy. He had Christianity and education. But it didn’t impact him as much as we assume (or hope) it would.

So what am I trying to say? As parents we have to believe that our parenting makes a difference. Otherwise, it’s an overwhelming task. By secular standards, socio-economic status determines our success in life. But for Christians, it has to be more than that. Yet in both of the Christian books I described, the spiritual formation of any child goes beyond what even the best parents can do. In fact, some Christian parents who do everything right, end up driving their children away from God. As much as parents would like to believe that model parenting matters (and it can certainly help things), ultimately each person on this planet has to recognize the pursuit of God in their life and be willing to respond. I’ve come to understand that there is no way I can really introduce my children to God. Now, I can surely model the importance of personal relationship before them. I can also place them in environments where the Holy Spirit can draw them to him. But in the end, that’s between my children and God. And there’s nothing I can do about that.

But there’s hope. I also believe that God will go to the same extremes that he has done with me and my wife in order to develop a relationship with my children. God doesn’t pursue a relationship with my children because I want him to. He pursues them because he wants to. And his desire for their salvation far outweighs any hopes I may have for my children. So I don’t model Christianity because it’s important for them to see it. I model it because my Christianity is important to me. And as God pursues them, one day their Christianity will be important to them as well. Not as a cultural condition, but as a genuine love response to the overwhelming goodness of their Creator.

200 Orphans Are Waiting…

I don’t normally use this blog to promote ministry opportunities but I’m going to make an exception here. I recently joined the board of Homes of Hope International – an organization that finds host homes for Ukrainian orphans during the Summer. The newly formed program was a tremendous blessing to those who participated last year. Simply the chance to open up a home to an orphan for a few months impacts the lives of the host family and the children in a unique way. If your church is considering an adoption initiative or foster care, please consider HoH as well.

Homes of Hope International is currently looking for churches in the Southeastern U.S. to partner with so that more children can be part of this special opportunity. Please pass this info along to your church staff if you think they may be interested. Feel free to contact me with any questions you have or contact the director, Mary Beth, at hohinternational@gmail.com.

The Books

I hope everyone is having a great holiday season.

At the end of the year, I suppose it’s good decorum to reflect on that year’s experiences. Yet, sometimes I find myself looking back further – looking at how this year has added to my overall life experience – just one chapter of many. I often look back at some conversations or books that altered my understanding about a topic. But what if I surveyed the most important books I’ve read to this point? Which books have shaped my worldview – which ones do I come back to? 

I take particular pride in the fact that I have never read The Purpose Driven Life, Blue Like Jazz, or any Max Lucado book. Indeed, you may say: “Sam, that’s exactly what’s wrong with you.” You may be right. But I have been reading something. The books below have been life-changing for me. Very few of them are well-known. Sorry the list is so long…

Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Spiritual Depression. As I wrote in the post before, I love the preaching style of “the Doctor.” Many of his sermons were edited for books. People love the Acts or Romans or Semon on the Mount sermons. This series is my favorite. It deals with spiritual burnout. And I was there. This book (along with the two books below it) saved my spiritual life.

Wayne Jacobsen, He Loves Me. I was a perfectionist. A legalist. And very angry. I didn’t understand what the love of God was all about. I didn’t understand the meaning of unconditional love. This book changed that. It’s a great introduction into the grace-oriented freedom that Jesus brought to us.

Malcolm Smith, Power of the Blood Covenant. Using the theme of the blood covenant and the faithfulness of God as its guideline, this is the best summation of the Christian life I have ever read. Hands down.

Jeff VanVonderen, Families Where Grace Is in Place. Within two years of our wedding day, our marriage was on the rocks. This book saved it. VanVonderen talks about how to create a family (as spouses and parents) where biblical notions of grace are at the center. No more controlling, fear-tactics, and shame. The McVeys and Kimmels are more popular but Jeff was the original. We’re still married, by the way.

Clark Pinnock and Robert Brow, Unbounded Love. I’ve read a good many systematic theologies. This one is different. The late (and great) Pinnock was a renown theologian and the late (and great) Brow was an Episcopal priest. The book is an honest attempt to create a systematic theology around the simple premise that God is love. It’s a breath of fresh air. From the conclusion: “God is so radiant that he deserves a beautiful theology, theology done with joy and thankfulness, theology that can dance and sing.”

Morton Kelsey, Encounter with God. A Jungian psychologist and Episcopal priest, Kelsey has written extensively on the intersection between the Bible, psychology, and spiritual experience. For me, Encounter with God is the pinnacle of those writings (though not his most well-known). He easily weaves theological, philosophical, and psychological sources together to create an understanding of how people “encounter” God and what they seek experientially from that encounter.  

Terence Fretheim, The Suffering of God. Several of the books on this list changed my understanding of the Old Testament. But this one changed my understanding of God using the Old Testament. Previously holding God at an emotional distance from his creation, this book helped me understand that God “feels”. The story of God is one of suffering in relation to humanity. Whether you agree with process or panentheistic thought, this book helped me relate to God in an entirely new way.

Abraham Heschel, The Prophets. Raised as an evangelical, the Hebrew prophetic books meant little to me other than a way to “prove” Jesus’ messianic claims. This book changed that for me – I finally understood the importance of the prophets and their lyrical narratives that reflected the heart(break) of God. No surprise that it took a world-renowned rabbi to bring me to those conclusions.

Richard Kyle, The Religious Fringe. This book is solely responsible for directing my academic interests. In it, Kyle (professor of history and religion at Tabor College) doesn’t just recount major religious movements in the Western tradition. He traces all the interconnections and tributaries that make the history of religion interesting. As someone who was deeply intersted in the charismatic lineage of the church and its ancillary movments, this book showed that tracing religious thematic trends through Western history was possible. A remarkable book.

Ronald Hutton, Triumph of the Moon. Second to Kyle’s book, Hutton’s introduced me to the Western pagan and esoteric tradition. I read this book on a church leadership retreat. I don’t remember anything that we talked about on the retreat…but I remember the importance of having a scholar peel back the historical layers of the neopagan movement and expose the “humanness” of religious seekers outside the Christian tradition. I finally stopped seeing heretics or heathens and began to see people reaching out for religious experience. Not sure that’s what I was supposed to be learning….

Anne Punton, The World Jesus Knew. This book is about the contexts of culture and archaeology that surround the stories of Jesus. It’s a wonderful introduction to all the other elements that inform the Gospel narrative that rarely makes it to general Christian readership. Thankfully, books like Sitting at the Feet of Rabbi Jesus are changing this, but this book was one of the predecessors.

Watchman Nee, Release of the Spirit. I was a worship leader at several churches for about ten years all together. I read some good articles and books on the technical aspects of leading worship. But this is the book I recommend to beginning worship leaders. It’s about ”breaking” the flesh so that God can release the spirit of each of us for ministry. True worship comes from this state of release. Worship leading is a spiritual event much more than it is a musical excercise. This book explains that event.

“Windowless” Parenting

I am an anxious parent. Scratch that. Petrified parent. I read parenting books constantly. And the sole motivation for reading these books is the sheer terror I feel when I consider that the solutions to the problems I face as a parent are already solved in a book somewhere. And I haven’t read it yet. I have three daughters. They are all extremely bright and independent and beautiful. I’m sure they already intimidate the guys in their classes. Heck, they intimidate me! But I think I’ve already picked up on some things that will be foundation for my relationship with them. For example I have figured out that when raising daughters, the issue at hand is rarely the real issue. The meltdown over not eating vegetables has little to do with hunger. It’s usually a trigger for latent emotion stored up from a hurtful event earlier in the day (or week). I’m a guy so I assume it’s actually about vegetables. Guys, listen up: it’s not about vegetables. The next part of that process is to connect with your daughter in conversation so that she will eventually tell you what the real issue is. To me, that process is one of the most fascinating things about raising daughters…it’s kinda like a treasure hunt. I’ve got some good theories, too – things I won’t be able to test for a long time. For example, I have a hunch that the resistance I will feel from my children at age 16 will return to our relationship when they are 36 if I continue to treat them as I did 20 years earlier. So, I’m thinking about those things now as well…while I try to figure out what’s behind the vegetable “meltdown.”

One of the areas of ministry I oversee at my church is “discipleship.” That simply describes the process of people becoming more like Jesus. It’s a tricky business. I can provide “avenues” for others to engage God. But I can’t make people choose to deepen their relationship with God. Ultimately, I feel the burden for the spiritual well-being of our congregation. However, they are not my most important “calling.” The best place for me to help someone become more like Jesus is in my own home. My children are my ultimate disciples. People at church may get my ideas and programs. And I can counsel and give spiritual direction to them an hour at a time. But rarely can I be available to them like any true opportunity for discipleship needs. That side of me belongs to my children. They get my presence and my ability to teach in the moment.

Parents miss this. We fill our children’s lives with quotes and adages and morality tales as we whisk from one task to another. But we often forget about the most important thing: modeling the beliefs we desire to instill in our children.  We provide them no context in which to grasp our “wise words.” So our words fall flat. I call this “windowless” parenting. Children often have no context or “window” to see why parents feel the way they do. They see no action associated with what we tell them are our most cherished beliefs. We can tell our children to reserve judgment and refrain from gossip, but they listen to every phone conversation we have. We can tell them to be honest and authentic, but they hear how we mask our true intentions with others. We can tell them mom and dad love each other, but they rarely believe it until we ask them to not interrupt us while we tell our spouse about our day.

Be a window for your children. They are your disciples.

Go Ahead and Say It

I made a committment to myself about two years ago to say those things out loud that I think others should hear. No, not those things. The good things. The positive traits about others. And even then, not just what someone “does” that is admirable. I like to tell people they are great regardless of what they may or may not have done. Why? Because they are. People need to know that they matter. That they are taken seriously. That they are worth the fuss. When we stop and tell people what we like about them, we tell them that they are important enough to take time out of our own your little “world”  and be open with our compliments. And stopping means as much if not more than what you actually say. It’s not flattery or manipulation – it’s real. After all, each person we encounter is made in the image of God.

Take the phrase “I love you” for example. Most parents tell their children they love them at a few particular times a day. Dropping off to school, ending a phone call, or bedtime routines come to mind. But these events all have something in common: they are departure points of relational  interaction. In other words, we only say “I love you” when we’re leaving someone we care about.

Isn’t that kinda silly? Think about it – we only say we love others when we leave them. Maybe that’s fine for adults, but it’s possible that we send kids a mixed signal when we say that. I think kids walk away from that scenario unconsciously recognizing, “they love me but they are removing themselves from me.” Does that mean I shouldn’t tell my kids I love them as I drop them off at school? No, silly person. But if I never think to tell them I love them at other times, then “I love you” can become the same as “I’m leaving you.”

One of the greatest joys of life is catching your children by surprise with the words “I love you.” It’s great to watch that smile creep across their face as they realize you said it for no other reason than you meant it.  The other day, I leaned over my four-year-old and told her I loved her. She looked at me with great irritation and said, “I already know that!!” Now that is a beautiful thing to hear. And that surprise moment is a great feeling for adults, too. There’s nothing wrong with giving that compliment in the moment you think of it. It’s genuine, honest, and encouraging.

Bible Business School

When I was in college, I saw a bumper sticker on a car in front of me that has stuck with me over the last 15 years. It said: 

A Thorough Knowledge of the BIBLE

is Worth More Than a college education

It was actually a college student who was driving the car. I wasn’t sure what to make of that bumper sticker. It was brash and seemingly over-confident in its assessment right down to its capitalization. Sure, the Bible is life-changing but could it really hold the key to everything that I would encounter as an adult? I dismissed it as the bumper sticker of a narrow-minded Bible thumper. But recently, I’m beginning to think differently.

I read a good amount of business and leadership material. Not sure why – it’s what I’m into at the moment. But what I’ve noticed is that most often, the “jewels” of HBR, leadership journals, or the Godins and Peters of the world can be found in the book of Proverbs. And it usually only takes two sentences instead of twenty pages. Proverbs is full of something that scholars call “aphorisms” – They are simply generalized pieces of wisdom and wit that stand the test of time. Sure, Solomon probably had something to do with writing them, but more likely he was involved in the process of collecting them. They already existed and were in use not just in Jewish circles, but in other religious/ethnic circles as well. Why? Because you can live your life by them. Here are some Proverbs and their business counterparts.

Dan Pallotta from Havard Business Review says this about workplace gossip:

In business, for some reason, we don’t appreciate that the stakes are just as high, despite the fact that we spend much of our waking lives at work. Think of the amount of energy that goes into people undermining other people — all working for the same company — through gossip, for example…But gossip kills possibility…We end up working harder to undermine our fellow workers than we work to make the business work out in the market place. Competitors couldn’t possibly thwart the possibility of our success to the degree we thwart it ourselves.

The book of Proverbs deals with this same issue in 1/3 the space:

Proverbs 14:15: “The gullible believe anything they’re told; the prudent sift and weigh every word” (Message).

Proverbs 16:28 “A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends” (NLT).

Business and Marketing leader, Daniel Pink  has been promoting a new type of business training he calls the Four-Word MBA:

Lots of people spend lots of money on business school — and it’s often a worthy investment. You can learn new skills, broaden your network, and postpone reality for two years. But I’ve always thought about offering a far cheaper business credential — enduring advice for managers of any kind that I call The Four-Word MBA.

Here it is:

Talk less. Listen more.

Give it a try. It’ll make you a better leader.

I love Daniel Pink’s writings, but this idea is already in a book I own:

Proverbs 12:15: “Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others” (NLT).

Proverbs 19:20: “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise” (NIV).

My kids aren’t ready for the Harvard Business Review yet. But they are old enough to absorb the wisdom found in a proverb. Why? Because it’s never too early to learn about people. And no matter what business we enter, we still have to build relationships with those around us. The book of Proverbs can give them a head start. I don’t know that my kids will slap that same bumper sticker on the back of their car once they arrive at college. But maybe that wisdom can translate into a foundation for living that will enhance the knowledge they gain once they are there. It’s just a guess. Check back in twenty years and we’ll see.



Why We Compete

So, some more thoughts on competition. There are plenty of reasons why we compete as adults. Of course, I can only speak for myself but I hope I can shed some light on this idea. For many years, my main competitive motivation was pride. I wanted to be the best. I felt that I was entitled to be the best. The truth is I’m not the best…no one is. So, in its infancy (or before we “grow up“) competition is a product of our desire for personal esteem. Small amounts of this are okay I suppose but not the level we normally associate with narcissism. And even into adulthood, occasionally we find the individual who is still captured by their own potential for greatness and their willingness to steam-roll others to get there. I must say that the majority of my experience with competition falls into this category. It’s drives our love of football teams and our aspirations of climbing some sort of corporate ladder. It’s the driving force that makes someone at Catalyst wish they were that person speaking on stage and network their brains out behind the scenes to “connect” with the next ministerial conquest.

But there’s a much more devious form of competition that enters when we grow up. Competition based on fear. And unless you’ve been under a rock somewhere, this is the most common form of competition you will encounter. It is the foundation for much of our business practices and even affects our churches. When you are economically secure or work in a safe corporate culture or a church environment that is open, you don’t see this type of competition. But when our families are threatened, our finances are at risk, reputations are jeopardized, or people start throwing around terms like “divisional restructuring,” cooperative trust and loyalty disappear. And this is the mantra of fear-based competition: “I don’t have to be first…just don’t let me be last.” This competition based on fear makes us do some strange things. Though I beleive it’s important to be thankful for what we have, I am amazed at people’s willingness to oversell the value to “2nd tier” schools, vacations, cars, and luxury items simply because “1st tier” is out of reach. I can’t send my kid to an Ivy League college so I’ll talk about how high the average SAT score is and how low the acceptance rate to my public school choice is. I can’t own a beach house in Destin, Florida so I’ll buy one somewhere else and rave about the “up and coming” location. I can’t own a Mercedes but have a Tahoe. It’s the idea that drives the old joke about “Thank God for Mississippi” since Mississippi is worse off than the state you live in.

Churches are designed to be the exception to this simply because the gospel states the opposite. We are all on the same page. Now, you might assume that my next conclusion is that “we are all on the same page because we are all sinners.” And that’s true – I’d put myself in that category. But the church has a more urgent message to convey: we are on the same page because we are accepted in Christ Jesus (Eph. 1:6, NKJV). Everyone is “1st tier.”  But churches don’t always convey this message well. But that doesn’t mean that each person cannot grasp it on their own. I’ll talk about how to do that in the next post.

Competition

Beth and I were watching that TV show The Good Wife last week. The main character, Alicia,  was having a conversation with her brother about being two-faced. “Everyone’s two-faced,” she responded. Her brother said that she was not – a beacon of principle for her younger brother as they grew up. But Alicia bursts the bubble of idolatry for her brother. “Yes I am. The issues got more complex…and I grew up.” In Alicia’s voice you hear defeat and pain underneath the vibrato of wisdom. When you grow up, the gloves come off – it’s every man for himself.

Normally, I would pause the TV show and subject my poor wife to my take on the significance of that dialogue. But I try not to cause my wife pain and suffering so I didn’t. The truth is I’ve been thinking about competition lately – its root causes and why we feel we need to engage in it. As a young child, I was extremely competitive. Not because I was naturally bent that way…but because I had been conditioned that way. As a male, I was taught that conquest in life was important – recess in first grade can teach you this. I remember running and feeling like I was practically flying only to have another kid tell me that I was not as fast as him. It had never occured to me that I may not be as fast as someone else. A new paradigm emerged. Of course, the fact that this same kid introduced me to several novel curse words should’ve tipped me off.

Then I went inside the classroom and my teacher handed out tests that had been graded. I made a B. The girl next to me made an A…and it didn’t seem like she had to work as hard as I did to learn. Over the next few years I was taught to rate and evaluate everything in the world: toys, classmates, food, physical appearance, clothing, intelligence, cars, musicality, athleticism, etc. I felt like I was constantly on life’s measuring scale. I remember playing baseball as a kid. I played the position of right field. I was that kid. There were plenty of pep talks about being a “team” but let’s face it – right field is not short-stop. The right fielder knows it and the punk playing short-stop revels in it.  

Christianity did little to help understand competition and cope with the paradigms of others. In fact, it reinforced it. I was immersed in an Americanized Christianity that directly tied my successes and failures to my relationship with God. If I was successful, it was becasue I was a Christian. If I wasn’t, it was because I wasn’t Christian enough. I heard sermons where preachers talked about “finishing the race” and looking forward to the day when they would hear God’s evaluation of them: “well done my good and faithful servant.” The way they said it sounded like there were only a couple of spots left in the “great cloud of witnesses.” And so, like everyone else, I embarked upon a life fraught with insecurity. Others had somehow learned to hide it better than me.

More tomorrow…