Dilettante Dads

Here’s something I’ve been thinking about lately. We live in a world of specialization. The more of an “expert” you are in a particular field of interest, the more chance you have to secure your position as a person of importance and relevance. People spend their lives grasping for that level of expertise and our culture rewards those that give their heart and soul to a discipline, field, or technique. That’s easier for us. We then have a label. “Oh, he’s the medical/business/intellectual expert.” “She’s the manager/attorney/fashion expert.” We feel secure believing that we know everything we need to know about a person with one specialized label. I watch students struggle with this in college. When they ask, “What should be my major?” what they are really asking is “They are asking me to pick a label. What should my label be?”  

Fatherhood flies in the face of that notion. Fatherhood requires us to be well-rounded. A jack of all trades and a master of none. Furthermore, good fathering requires you to be present with your family rather than honing your skills of expertise. You hear this from dads all the time. They often talk about when they used to do something in particular, but the time they spent doing it was only for a few short years. Their areas of growth and knowledge center upon whether their children are into fishing or ballet or baseball or long division. And when their children move on, they do, too. So, for fathers (and many mothers), life becomes a race to cram everything they can into a work day and then shift gears by focusing on their family oriented ”expertise.” So in the end, fully invested fatherhood requires one to choose to not be an expert at anything. To be a Renaissance man. A dilettante. Someone who dabbles in areas of knowledge and skill without formally mastering any particular area. An amateur at everything.

Beth told me a story about a well-known and accomplished businessman and university president who was a guest speaker in one of her college classes. They class asked each visiting lecturer the same question: what is the single most important business advice you could give a college student? This formidable individual thought for a moment and then said, “Learn to play golf. Most business connections and profitable deals are not made in an office or over email. They are made on the golf course.”  I’m praying that this guy is wrong. Or at least that there’s another way to be successful. To me, success at my family’s expense is ultimately failure. So, I’m putting my eggs in another basket: the belief that I can remain professionally relevant and spiritually poignant while spending as much time as possible deeply invested in the lives of my children. The bigger payoff seems to lie there. Call it a hunch…but that’s what I’ll be doing. Check back in two decades and we’ll see if the gamble was worth it.

Minivan Discrimination! Someone Call the Authorities!

Beth went back to work today after 12 weeks of maternity leave. During her leave, we switched cars - she drove the minivan while I took the MINI cooper. For me, it was a nice change of pace. I started driving the van about three years ago when I stayed home with our girls and wrote my doctoral dissertation. You may think that driving a van is strange for a guy. I suppose so…but I just spent 3 months driving the MINI while wearing an Express for Men wardrobe. Trust me – that raised some eyebrows, too.

I want to discuss an alarming trend in our country today: minivan discrimination. Now, don’t get me wrong – I like the van. However, a certain stigma does follow it. Minivans are known for erratic driving and illogical traffic behavior. I used to hate minivans as well for these reasons. Until I became the van driver: handing sippy cups and snacks over the seat, spending the majority of my time looking in the rear-view mirror to referee a fight, and rifling through toys while driving with my knees. Each van is accompanied by this type of behavior, compounded with speeding since (of course) vans are late to every engagement all the time.

However, as you become what I am now – a van ninja – you can do all these things without signalling to the outside world what is going on. Van ninjas look as if they are driving calmly down the road, never steering into the next lane by accident. But don’t be fooled, people. This state of perfection is more difficult than the game of golf. However, I have noticed a disturbing trend now that I have achieved van excellence. People pull out in front of vans constantly. At least 90% of the time, though there is no car behind me, a driver will pull out in front of me without hesitation.

Most other drivers assume that all van drivers are slow and incapable of efficient driving. That’s hardly the case. I drive my van like Jeff Gordon. Chances are that van drivers are doing twelve things at once – something that most regular drivers would never do…nay…could never do.  And there’s also a good chance that there are no children’s songs blaring in the background. I may be listening to the newest praise and worship CD…but it’s much more likely that we are rocking out to Cheap Trick or the Foo Fighters.

So, this is a plea to all other non-van drivers in the world. Give the minivan a chance, bro. There are van ninjas out there everywhere just looking for the chance to show off their mad skills. Don’t pull out in front of the van. Pull out behind it, knowing that the driving you will be witnessing in front of you is a work of art.

Life Update…

 Life has been drastically different over the last seven weeks or so, mostly because this the view I see when I’m at home. Of course, Beth sees this more than me while on maternity leave. Ella Gray is a sweetie. Her sisters love her and think she’s fun. They are however, a little annoyed when she cries since they immediately equate that with “whining.” After a few weeks, Annagale asked a particularly pertinent question for her. In a moment of sound logic, she asked why we encourage her new baby sister to burp and then tell her that when she does it, it’s rude. I don’t think she found my answer to be satisfactory.

Being thrust back into baby world has also made us aware of something interesting about TV watching. The shows that we get the chance to watch can now be divided in to two categories: baby-friendly and baby-unfriendly. The determining factor between these two categories is whether or not we can follow the plot without listening to the dialogue. Ella Gray has her “fussy time” from 7-9 p.m. each evening. So, what shows are shallow enough that we can watch them in the middle of fussy time? NCIS and Grey’s Anatomy. But shows like The Mentalist and The Good Wife require us to actually pay attention to the dialogue…and they are arguably better shows anyway.

After a rough week or so at work, I took off to the Catalyst Conference this past weekend. In the past, it’s been nice to go…but this year I really needed to go. Turns out it was a great weekend and as always I learned so much from speakers who had already been in the seasons of life I now frequent. Some of my favorites: Andy Stanley, Rob Bell, Malcolm Gladwell, Shane Hipps, and Francis Chan. I also made some great contacts and reconnected with some friends. I also got to meet the Anglican bishop of Rwanda, John Rucyahana – what a gracious and kind person.

I’ve been reading a good amount over the past few months, though that came to a screeching halt when Ella Gray was born. I read several books on violence in the Old Testament – two of my favorites were: Gundry’s Counterpoints book Show Them No Mercy  and Susan Nidditch’s War in the Hebrew Bible. The rest has been a hodge-podge of topics: Vincent Brummer’s Model of Love, Richard Rohr’s From Wild Man to Wise Man, Pam Leo’s Connection Parenting, Richard Swenson’s Margin, and Patrick Lencioni’s The Three Big Questions for a Frantic Family.

Claire Grace and Annagale have been enjoying a strange selection of music lately. They are really into Sam Cooke’s Greatest Hits and Shania’s Twain’s song “Up.” But the most interesting CD playing at our house right now is an Opera sampler. The girls enjoy it, particularly some of the up-tempo pieces like “La donna è mobile” – Puccini, Verdi, Bizet and the rest – they totally dig it.

Seeing Ministry Through a Child’s Eyes

About five years ago, I got a call from a mother who was in the throes of a battle with her seven year old. The problem? Her son wanted a pair of green and orange shoes for the new school year. Mom was much more interested in buying some respectable (and cheaper) white and navy sneakers – the kind you’d expect to be mother “approved.” So, she called me asking me what I thought she should do. I asked some leading questions: do they provide support for his feet? Are they structurally inferior? They were only ten dollars more expensive (and within budget). Then, I asked her the question that really mattered: why didn’t she like the green and orange shoes?

“Because they are ugly and embarrassing.”

“Ugly and embarrassing for whom?” I asked.

And that’s when the conversation went in another direction. Eventually, this concerned mother saw that her shoe preference had little to do with the happiness or protection of her seven year old son. It had to do with her.

Of course, I thought about the larger context of this conversation in regards to children’s ministry. I wear several hats at my job. One is the minister to families. That includes creating a healthy environment for everyone - from marriage enrichment to casting a vision for children’s ministry. Most often ministers, when making renovations to children’s ministry areas, look at the responses of the adults and volunteers when pitching ideas. In fact, as we were planning for our own recently completely renovations, we visited different churches. And sure enough, we focused on the comments and concerns of the adults. But about halfway through the field trips, I began to completely ignore the parents and staff members. I began to look at the children’s faces – their responses, smiles, singing, and dancing. I also paid attention to their looks of boredom and (for some) downright torture. And those images became my ministry goal for our church renovations.

Months later, as we unveiled our new ministry areas, I stood back and watched the children’s faces as they walked in for the first time. Many smiled. Others were not impressed. So, we added more. More smiles. And after a few more over-the-top items, every child began smiling. That’s when I knew we were heading in the right direction. Do I like everything about the design and curriculum choices? No. They are much more “green and orange” than “white and navy.”  But I’m not the focus. The children are. And they think it’s great. Adults forget this. I see volunteers and staff beam with pride after a children’s production while the younger participants behind them would rather stick a fork in their eye than be there. They are telling us something…but we’re not listening.

Children’s ministry is very important in church life. Happily involved children bring their happily involved parents. But sometimes, ministers forget the most important aspect of children’s ministry: follow the children’s lead. If we are looking and listening, they rarely lead us astray in meeting their spiritual needs.

Aggressively Pursuing a Life of Peace

We have some life mottos around our house that guide our life decisions. Often times, these mottos aren’t always obvious to everyone. They hold a higher value on spiritual things than material things. They place more importance on relational harmony than personal gain. It also keeps us from bowing to the peer pressure that young couples face, like trying to “keep up with the Joneses.”

The first and probably most important motto comes from the verse “Seek peace and pursue it” (Psalm 34:14, 1 Peter 3:11). Romans 12:18 relays a similar idea: “Do all that you can to live at peace with all men.” We call it aggressive peace. Beth and I make decisions around the idea that in every situation, there is a peaceful and overall beneficial decision that keeps balance among our family members. If at all possible, we choose that “peaceful” solution. That’s how we make vacation plans, buy new appliances, choose schools, choose television shows or movies, etc. You get the idea. If there is a choice that leads to unrest, strife, anger, impatience, and irritation, we usually opt for something else.

Now that may sound obvious to you. But there’s a subtle difference. We don’t wait for peaceful decisions to come to us. We make peace happen for our children and for each other. We’re aggressive about pursuing peace. We fight for it. We plan for it. We do whatever it takes to maintain it. A lot of people have financial goals or material goals – and we do as well. But all of that comes from our overall peace goal. What lies behind “peace” for us? Questions like, “Which choice promotes the most security for our children?” “Which choice creates ease of life and rest for our retirement?” “How can we peacefully discipline our children?” And most importantly, “Which choice honors God and draws us to him, not away from him?”

But not only do we not wait for these options for peace to come our way. We take it a step further: we “agressively pursue” them. Beth and I discuss questions like, “What makes for a peaceful marriage?” or “What brings peace to our children?” or “What does financial peace look like?” Then we take agressive measures to implement those details into our lives. For example, with finances, we list a second round of details. Financial peace means ultimately means no financial stress: little debt, no collections calls, solid retirement plans, college saving for children now rather than later, choosing economical and sensible cars and houses, and not living paycheck to paycheck if possible. Then we aggressively make those our goals.

I guess pursuing peace as a lifestyle can only be done by someone who believes they have the ability to make their life what they want. I believe all of us can do that. But it takes a lot of thought and premeditation. And often times our decisions are not the most conventional choice. We’re not experts at this and sometimes lose our focus. And plans can certainly change. But the key is to at least have some plan in place and be willing to adjust it accordingly when life throws a curve ball. Personally, living a life of peace is a way to honor God with what he’s given us – a way to proactively reflect his image in us. Taking the initiative to make life good is not anti-Christian at all. It actually reflects the productive nature of God and his willingness to be involved in every aspect of our life. In the end, life truly is what you make of it. Our goal is to make a life of peace for each other and for our children.

Various Thoughts, Faux Pas, and Improprieties

While still writing more on faith and science (more on Monday hopefully), I thought I would bring you up to speed on other things. Obviously, as evidenced by the pictures in my last post, daughter #3 was born – she’s quite easy going compared to the first two as newborns. Still that doesn’t stop me from spending a lot of time awake at 2 and 3 a.m. The more this occurs the more I am reminded for the third time in my life that being awake at such a time is very unnatural. Possibly demonic. Still the child needs to eat and I cannot deny her the opportunity. Why doesn’t Beth get up you may ask? Well, for starters, Beth carried our child and birthed her. I think she’s been through enough, don’t you? The least I can do is feed Ella Gray now that she’s here. Besides, I like her. I am back in the church office on Monday. Sadly, though I was able to leave the church alone for a week, the church could not do that for me. Alas, such is the life of ministry.

Keeping me occupied at 2 a.m. feedings is my new Blackberry Tour 9630 Smartphone. I had a Verizon VX6900 for almost two years and I wore that puppy out so bad that it basically refused to work anymore. In the past, I have used Palm and Windows Mobile platforms, resisting the urge the jump on the Blackberry bandwagon. Why? The same reason I refuse to join Facebook. But I must say this phone is the best I’ve ever owned. I am in love with a machine. So I prop up the child and bottle with one hand and surf the web with the other. At first I was watching TV but there is very little on to watch at that time. I did see a riveting documentary on UFOs. It creeped me out a little and so I turned on a light…

 

I’ve told you in the past that I spend a good amount of time thinking about strange (though often insignificant) questions. These questions can occupy me for weeks on end. I don’t tell my wife about these questions simply because I want  her to stay married to me. And discussing them would certainly run her off. My first strange question is one that any self-respecting religious person should ask themselves: would I make a good cult leader? After mulling over this for several days, my answer is mostly definitely yes. I personally believe I have what it takes to embarrass God.

 The second mental riddle is a little more complex. DNA consists of four bases that are abbreviated A, G, T, and C. I begin to think that all of my daughters have at least one (if not two) of these letters as their intials: ARN, CGN, EGN. I begin to think: would it be cool if I could work the initial “T” into a fourth child’s name? Then all DNA four bases would be represented in my children’s names. How cool would that be? Now that’s genetic coding, my friend! So, I began to make a mental list of male and female names that could complete the “sequence.” I doubt seriously that Beth is going to allow me to complete my own personal family of nucleotides. My only hope is that next time we’ll have twins and my dream of naming them Bonnie and Clyde will come true…

What Constitutes “Good” Parenting?, Part 2

My last post reminded me of a couple of biblical examples that spoke volumes to me about the subject of Christian parenting.

The story of Eli and his sons is the first one (1 Samuel 2:20-36). Eli’s sons were priests and spent the majority of their time abusing their privileges in self-serving ways. No one would consider them “nice, well-mannered young men.” They were first class jerks. This passage often makes it into parenting seminars as an example of a gluttonous, lazy, and personally undisciplined father and the havoc that his lack of restraint causes. The inference is clear: Eli’s sons were horrible because Eli was a bad father. I can’t tell you the number of parents I’ve seen who, upon hearing about the inappropriate behavior of their children, are washed over with guilt for the actions of their offspring. And it doesn’t matter the age – the child could be forty years old and still the parents feel they are to blame in some way. The church reinforces those stereotypes, as if the personal humiliation isn’t enough on its own.

But here’s another biblical example we don’t talk about that much: the prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 8). Do you know about his kids? They were just as bad as Eli’s – possibly worse! In fact, their injustice and willingness to take bribes is what casued the Israelites to want Saul for a king. That may explain why Samuel was so against it. Even as Saul is being appointed over Israel (12:1-4), Samuel is still carrying on about his sons still being available to judge Israel – as if they are a better choice than Saul. By all “Christianese” standards, Samuel is what a parent should be: a mighty man of God, modeling service and sacrifice to God on a daily basis. Someone to be admired and imitated. Yet, his sons reject his example, despite his efforts to influence them for the better. By chapter 12, it’s obvious that Samuel thinks a king is a bad idea – but more importantly, he’s so blind to his own children’s behavior that he actually thinks they are still qualified to govern Israel.

Okay, Sam, so what’s your point? Well, it’s essentially what I said in the earlier post. Good parenting is not about cause and effect or “if you do A, you’ll get B.” It’s not a formula. Parents have to believe that our parenting makes a difference. Otherwise, it’s an overwhelming task. But for Eli and for Samuel, regardless of personal devotion to God, the spiritual formation of any child goes beyond what even the best parents can do. Ultimately each person has to recognize the pursuit of God in their life and be willing to respond. I can do my best to create an atmosphere where the Holy Spirit can draw my children into relationship. But in the end, each child’s response is their solely their own. And that’s not a bad thing. God pursues relationship with our children regardless of our behavior, simply because that’s what he wants. And his desire for their salvation far outweighs any hopes I may have for my children. So I model my Christianity, not because it’s important for them to see it. I model it because my Christianity is important to me. And as God pursues them, one day their Christianity will be important to them as well.

What Constitutes “Good” Parenting?, Part 1

I’ve been thinking about what makes someone a good parent – or better yet, what we should consider good parenting skills. I’m finding there aren’t any hard, fast rules that determine whether your child turns out to be a Nobel Peace Prize winner or an ax murderer. And most kids end up somewhere in between anyway. A couple of books have brought this question to my attention.

The first was Freakonomics. One of the chapters attempts to determine the bearing of different parenting styles on children. What the authors find is that socio-economic status has significant bearing in a specialized way. Children in middle to upper income families do better because of the opportunities that money gives them. Intelligence has little to do with it. For example, a child who reads children’s books in his/her home is likely to do well in life. But it’s not because they read better than another child. It’s because a child whose parents have enough money to buy children’s books are also going to have enough money to buy piano lessons, art lessons, etiquette classes, a private school education, etc. Baby Einstein videos don’t do much for your kid, but a parent willing to spend the money on those videos will most likely spend that same type of money on other things to make sure their children succeed. Interesting point. But it says nothing of spiritual or character formation.

The other two books were religious. The first was George Barna’s Revolutionary Parenting. This book was pretty adamant that a particular type of parent turns out spiritual “champions” on a regular basis. The type of parenting? Evangelical and conservative. That wasn’t that surprising either – Barna is an evangelical. The point was that these parents modeled a Christian lifestyle for their children and gave them multiple chances for response. But I began to think about many of the Christians I know today…and whole lot of them were not brought up in a Christian home at all. And the more serious ones had a horrible upbringing. Maybe that’s because they actually understand the gravity of salvation since they were so far from God to begin with. Or maybe they understood the ravaging effect of sin in a more personal way. There is some truth to the idea that great sinners make great Christians. So Barna’s approach leaves out a whole lot of people.

The final book was Tony Dungy’s Quiet Strength. In the second chapter or so, Dungy talks about the exceptional example his parents provided for him. They were strong, church-attending Christians and both had higher level educational training (the holy grail of secularists). Both were teachers. By our society’s standards, that’s the one-two punch. It’s easy to talk about how great his parents must have been and that surely this was the reason for Dungy’s successful coaching career. But the last paragraph of the chapter throws a wrench in that scenario. Dungy stated that it wasn’t until years later as an adult that he made a commitment to Christ. Huh? Wait a minute. If anybody should have been a great Christian from the start it should have been him. He had Christianity and education. But it didn’t impact him as much as we all assumed (or hoped) it would.

So what am I trying to say? As parents we have to believe that our parenting makes a difference. Otherwise, it’s an overwhelming task. By secular standards, socio-economic status determines our success in life. But for Christians, it has to be more than that. Yet in both of the Christian books I described, the spiritual formation of any child goes beyond what even the best parents can do. In fact, some Christian parents who do everything right, end up driving their children away from God. As much as parents would like to believe that model parenting matters (and it can certainly help things), ultimately each person on this planet has to recognize the pursuit of God in their life and be willing to respond. I’ve come to understand that there is no way I can really introduce my children to God. Now, I can surely model the importance of personal relationship before them. I can also place them in environments where the Holy Spirit can draw them to him. But in the end that’s between my child and God. And there’s nothing I can do about that.

But there’s hope. I also believe that God will go to the same extremes that he has done with me and my wife in order to develop a relationship with my children. God doesn’t pursue a relationship with my children because I want him to. He pursues them because he wants to. And his desire for their salvation far outweighs any hopes I may have for my children. So I model my Christianity, not because it’s important for them to see it. I model it because my Christianity is important to me. And as God pursues them, one day their Christianity will be important to them as well. Not as a cultural condition, but as a genuine love response to the overwhelming goodness of their Creator.

Things to love…

1) The candor of children. I love the honesty of young children. They say what everybody else is thinking with an innocence that only marks a child. What’s more, they assume that we won’t be embarrassed by the obvious: a bad haircut, a runaway mole, an infrequent Freudian slip. These are the things that make life fun. Kids are adventurous enough to point them out. So kids, say whatever’s on your mind – we’re all listening with rapt attention.

2) Crazy people. I love talking to crazy people. They usually have an extraordinary sense of humor. Highly entertaining, though you may find that they aren’t as “off” as you think they may be. One errant mental turn…one lone synapse misfire (!) and you or I might be lumped in the same category.

3) Footnotes. Footnotes are a blessing and curse at the same time. I no longer read the back of a book when I pick it up. I flip to the bibliography. What footnotes reside there many times will tell me what the author is going to stay. I occasionally get surprised, but not too often. It’s a curse because I usually walk away from any book with at least a few more books to read. It’s a dastardly ploy that sends my inner-nerd reeling from the possibilities of so many books.

4) Gift cards for fathers. This helps with #3.

5) Complex music. Whether it’s baroque period classical music, “hard bop” jazz, neo-prog, or thrash metal, the more notes the better. Let the polyphonic excess begin!  Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a good power chord either…

6) A peaceful home. Someone told me the other day, “You have a very serene home. Very peaceful.”  That was nice to hear. There’s nothing like coming home after a day full of other people’s emergencies to a peaceful home, a beautiful wife, a loving God, and sweet children. A peaceful home may be the thing we work toward most in life. But I think it may be one of life’s greatest payoffs.

Living Loved

Last year, I specifically remember walking past my oldest daughter’s room during her naptime. I stopped for a minute. Even today when I look at my children, I am overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for them. That time - standing in the doorway –  was one of those moments. But it was also a time when I thought, I really hope I can teach and model the important things in life for her. With our third daughter due in September, that responsiblity still weighs heavily on me a year later. That day, watching her sleep, I thought about life lessons that mattered to me now and also those that I thought were much more important than they really were when I was a child. I spent a lot of time majoring on the minors, particularly as a young adult.

Of course, the first life lesson I thought of was “love God.” That seemed like a right answer – certainly the answer everyone would expect a Christian parent to say to their child. But I started thinking about the connotations behind that simple phrase. So much of my life was spent assuming that loving God involved “doing” or performing for him. I’ve talked about that wretched cycle here. But I really would like something more for my own children. That’s when I thought, maybe our life’s goal should be to let God love us. That was what I had missed all along growing up. I was uncomfortable knowing that I hadn’t done something for God spectacular enough to merit his love. People in the church talk a good game about this – almost always quoting phrases about being saved by grace and something about unmerited favor. But honestly, what I see in the church is Christians working overtime to “prove” to God that they are worthy of the “unmerited” grace they have already been given.

Part of this has to do with our view of God. I’m a big believer that the more we understand God, the more we are comfortable trusting him. That goes the other way as well – lordship is impossible when you don’t trust God. See, God is a recreational being. He’s social. He’s playful and interactive. He likes relationship and finds fulfillment in the “give and take” of all the members of the Trinity. We’re merely meant to dance the cosmic dance with our recreational God. That’s where our fulfillment comes from as well – not from another human. Don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing wrong with loving your family and friends. But there’s more to life than that. When God decided to make Eve, he did so because he thought it would be good for Adam. But nowhere in the biblical account does Adam say he is lonely. Adam was complete just by relating to his Maker. But in creating Eve, God imitates his own recreational and social nature. That’s amazing to me.

So, that’s my wish for my children – not that they’ll love God, but that they will being willing to let God love them. that they will “live loved.” That’s where fulfillment lies – within the realization of total acceptance by a relational and recreational God who’s whole intent is to give them their heart’s desire. Sound far-fetched? I don’t think so. It’s something I’m learning to walk in. I hope I can help my children understand that as much as God has captured their heart, they have also captured his. And that was God’s plan all along.