Refusing to Grow Up

Childhood is fun. Of course, when we are children, we think that there is some greater significance in being an adult. Then we become adults…and we become nostalgic for our childhood days, friends, and activities. The truth is that growing up sucks big time. No one tells you why being an adult is so difficult. But at the risk of sounding simplistic I see one big difference between adulthood and childhood: a well-honed ability to conceal our deeper emotions and hide our true selves. Getting to this state is a grueling process. We slam our fingers in the emotional “doors” of life at home, school, work and church until we figure out that it’s not safe to be emotionally available to others…or at least not on a deep level. Girls become superficial and guys become “commitmentphobic.” And then we make a big life decision. Not the big ones you are thinking of though this one impacts all the others. We decide to share only 10% of who we are with others. Why only 10%? Because those are the only parts of us we can control in public. And the other 90% turns into anxiety, concealed rage, depression, and addiction.

Depressing, huh? Yep.

God never designed us to live this way. He thinks you’re okay. But part of adulthood is conceding to the fact that others don’t think you are. They criticize, judge, and manipulate to prove this to you. Sadly, Jesus bled out on a cross to show you the exact opposite. Could that be true? It’s a risk to believe something so radical. I came across this quote in Dallas Willard’s book, The Divine Conspiracy. He describes mature spirituality in a way that seems foreign to what we encounter daily:

Interestingly, ‘growing up’ is largely a matter of learning to hide our spirit behind our face, eyes, and language so that we can evade and manage to achieve what we want and avoid what we fear.  By contrast, the child’s face is a constant epiphany because it doesn’t yet know how to do this.  It cannot manage its face.  This is also true of adults in moments of great feeling–which is one reason why feeling is both greatly treasured and greatly feared.  Those who have attained considerable spiritual stature are frequently noted for their ‘childlikeness.’  What this really means is that they do not use their face and body to hide their spiritual reality.  In their body they are genuinely present to those around them.  That is a great spiritual attainment or gift.”

There’s no need to be afraid of who we truly are. If you haven’t made a New Year’s Resolution yet, here’s one to consider. Refuse to grow up. Refuse to hide the best of who you are from others. Be childlike…so much so that your emotional and spiritual states shine through your body and facial expressions. Say “no thanks” to intimidation, social pressure, and shame…and just be you.

Meet Mark Nunnally

Hi everyone. Things change quickly at the Nunnally household.

Beth and I have had a love/hate relationship with adoption. We began to feel like adopting a child was the right thing for our family about three years ago. At that time we began to pursue international adoption from the nation of Rwanda (in Africa). That long and tedious process came to screeching halt in August of 2011. We were within weeks of having our documents on Rwandan soil when the Rwandan government closed the country to adoptive parents. We were devastated and struggled through two months of personal heartache. Determined to continue, we applied with the minority program at Open Door Adoption Agency in our home town. And we waited.

Due to a comedy of errors at the church I serve this past year, Beth and I found ourselves in a place once again where our chance to  adopt was essentially over. It seemed like the circumstance would never line up for us to bring another child into our family. And we quickly lost hope.  So much so that we packed up our adoption files and put them in a box in the attic and gave away our baby stuff. We made the announcement that we were leaving TFUMC a month ago to plant a church. Something had to give…and adoption was getting the pink slip. We informed Open Door of our changing life status and told them we would contact them soon to officially pull our names from the list of potential families. Then we forgot about it. For good. We concentrated on making contacts in our future community, finishing up at TFUMC, and transitioning the three children we already had. We began to adjust to our new reality.

Last Saturday, we received a call in the middle of dinner from the adoption agency that a birth mother has chosen our family to place her newborn son with. That wasn’t supposed to happen, you know. After all we had it on our “to do” list to swing by the agency and pull our application permanently. We just didn’t make it to the agency that week. We made arrangements for our children, dropped everything and drove several hours to the hospital. After two days of tense conversations and waiting, we brought a four day old baby boy home.

For those who know us, we talk a lot about God’s love. But rarely have I seen the power of God’s love demonstrated to me on such a personal level. I’ve been confident to pray for God’s miraculous intervention in the lives of others. But never have I seen God display that same love for us in our deepest moment of helplessness. He did. And that gives me the strength and hope to move forward into all the other areas he’s leading me towards.Honestly, we’re still a little in shock about all of this. After all, we had completely given up on the idea of having another child through adoption. And then, with days to spare, it feels like God wrestled the entire world into submission to give us our hearts’ desire. The funny thing is, we have seen God do some really important things for us. But they were wrapped in the fact that they would benefit others also. We’ve prayed for people and watched God do some neat stuff. We’ve seen God change circumstances for us because it ultimately benefitted other people. But this one was different – it was for no one but us. And it’s become a healing agent for us in a time of struggle. I have been more at peace in the last few days than I have been in the last year.

 

Are You a “Good” Parent?, Part 2

My last post reminded me of a couple of biblical examples that spoke volumes to me about the subject of Christian parenting.

The story of Eli and his sons is the first one (1 Samuel 2:20-36). Eli’s sons were priests and spent the majority of their time abusing their privileges in self-serving ways. No one would consider them “nice, well-mannered young men.” They were first class jerks. This passage often makes it into parenting seminars as an example of a gluttonous, lazy, and personally undisciplined father and the havoc that his lack of restraint causes. The inference is clear: Eli’s sons were horrible because Eli was a bad father. I can’t tell you the number of parents I’ve seen who, upon hearing about the inappropriate behavior of their children, are washed over with guilt because of the actions of their offspring. And it doesn’t matter the age – the child could be forty years old and still the parents feel they are responsible in some way. The church often reinforces those stereotypes, as if the personal humiliation isn’t enough on its own.

But here’s another biblical example we don’t talk about that much: the prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 8). Do you know about his kids? They were just as bad as Eli’s – possibly worse! In fact, their injustice and willingness to take bribes is what casued the Israelites to want Saul for a king. That may explain why Samuel was so against it. Even as Saul is being appointed over Israel (12:1-4), Samuel is still carrying on about his sons still being available to judge Israel – as if they are a better choice than Saul. By all Christian standards, Samuel is what a parent should be: a mighty man of God, modeling service and sacrifice to God on a daily basis. Someone to be admired and imitated. Yet, his sons reject his example, despite his efforts to influence them for the better. By chapter 12, it’s obvious that Samuel thinks a king is a bad idea – but more importantly, he’s so blind to his own children’s behavior that he actually thinks they are still qualified to govern Israel.

Okay, Sam, so what’s your point? Well, it’s essentially what I said in the earlier post. Good parenting is not about cause and effect or “if you do A, you’ll get B.” It’s not a formula. Parents have to believe that our parenting makes a difference. Otherwise, it’s an overwhelming task. But for Eli and for Samuel, regardless of personal devotion to God, the spiritual formation of any child goes beyond what even the best parents can do. Ultimately, each person has to recognize the pursuit of God in their life and be willing to respond. I can do my best to create an atmosphere where the Holy Spirit can draw my children into relationship. But in the end, each child’s response is their solely their own. And that’s not a bad thing. God pursues relationship with our children regardless of our behavior, simply because that’s what he wants. And his desire for their salvation far outweighs any hopes I may have for my children. So I model my Christianity, not because it’s important for them to see it. I model it because my Christianity is important to me. And as God pursues them, one day their Christianity will be important to them as well.

 

Are You a “Good” Parent?, Part 1

I’ve been thinking about what makes someone a good parent – or better yet, what we should consider good parenting skills. I’m finding there aren’t any hard, fast rules that determine whether your child turns out to be a Nobel Peace Prize winner or an ax murderer. And most kids end up somewhere in between anyway. A couple of books have brought this question to my attention.

The first was that fun little book Freakonomics. One of the chapters attempts to determine the bearing of different parenting styles on children. What the authors find is that socio-economic status has significant bearing in a specialized way. Children in middle to upper income families do better because of the opportunities that money gives them. Intelligence has little to do with it. For example, a child who reads children’s books in his/her home is likely to do well in life. But it’s not because they read better than another child. It’s because a child whose parents have enough money to buy children’s books are also going to have enough money to buy piano lessons, art lessons, etiquette classes, a private school education, etc. Baby Einstein videos don’t do much for your kid, but a parent willing to spend the money on those videos will most likely spend that same type of money on other things to make sure their children succeed. Interesting point. But it says nothing of spiritual or character formation.

The other two books were religious. The first was George Barna’s Revolutionary Parenting. This book was pretty adamant that a particular type of parent turns out spiritual “champions” on a regular basis. The type of parent? Evangelical and conservative. That wasn’t that surprising either – Barna is an evangelical. The point was that these parents modeled a Christian lifestyle for their children and gave them multiple chances for response. But I began to think about many of the Christians I know today…and whole lot of them were not brought up in a Christian home at all. And the more serious ones had a horrible upbringing. Maybe that’s because they actually understand the gravity of salvation since they were so far from God to begin with. Or maybe they understood the ravaging effect of sin in a more personal way. There is some truth to the idea that great sinners make great Christians. So Barna’s approach leaves out a whole lot of people.

The final book was Tony Dungy’s Quiet Strength. In the second chapter or so, Dungy talks about the exceptional example his parents provided for him. They were strong, church-attending Christians and both had higher level educational training. Both were teachers. By our society’s standards, that’s the one-two punch. It’s easy to talk about how great his parents must have been and that surely this was the reason for Dungy’s successful coaching career. But the last paragraph of the chapter throws a wrench in that scenario. Dungy stated that it wasn’t until years later as an adult that he made a commitment to Christ. Huh? Wait a minute. If anybody should have been a great Christian from the start it should have been Dungy. He had Christianity and education. But it didn’t impact him as much as we assume (or hope) it would.

So what am I trying to say? As parents we have to believe that our parenting makes a difference. Otherwise, it’s an overwhelming task. By secular standards, socio-economic status determines our success in life. But for Christians, it has to be more than that. Yet in both of the Christian books I described, the spiritual formation of any child goes beyond what even the best parents can do. In fact, some Christian parents who do everything right, end up driving their children away from God. As much as parents would like to believe that model parenting matters (and it can certainly help things), ultimately each person on this planet has to recognize the pursuit of God in their life and be willing to respond. I’ve come to understand that there is no way I can really introduce my children to God. Now, I can surely model the importance of personal relationship before them. I can also place them in environments where the Holy Spirit can draw them to him. But in the end, that’s between my children and God. And there’s nothing I can do about that.

But there’s hope. I also believe that God will go to the same extremes that he has done with me and my wife in order to develop a relationship with my children. God doesn’t pursue a relationship with my children because I want him to. He pursues them because he wants to. And his desire for their salvation far outweighs any hopes I may have for my children. So I don’t model Christianity because it’s important for them to see it. I model it because my Christianity is important to me. And as God pursues them, one day their Christianity will be important to them as well. Not as a cultural condition, but as a genuine love response to the overwhelming goodness of their Creator.

200 Orphans Are Waiting…

I don’t normally use this blog to promote ministry opportunities but I’m going to make an exception here. I recently joined the board of Homes of Hope International – an organization that finds host homes for Ukrainian orphans during the Summer. The newly formed program was a tremendous blessing to those who participated last year. Simply the chance to open up a home to an orphan for a few months impacts the lives of the host family and the children in a unique way. If your church is considering an adoption initiative or foster care, please consider HoH as well.

Homes of Hope International is currently looking for churches in the Southeastern U.S. to partner with so that more children can be part of this special opportunity. Please pass this info along to your church staff if you think they may be interested. Feel free to contact me with any questions you have or contact the director, Mary Beth, at hohinternational@gmail.com.

Lessons from “Sally the Horse”

Annagale came home with this in her school work the other day. Okay, the spelling isn’t perfect but when I read it, I became extremely angry. Let me decipher it for you: “Sally the horse was pretty good. She did what you told her.” More than a grammar exercise, Annagale was conveying something I am doing my best to counteract: conformity. This is no reflection on her teacher (who is exceptional) and her school (which is highly acclaimed). Schools are not to blame for this – they merely reflect what we feel is appropriate for human behavior. It has to do with the paradigms we instill in our children at a young age. My children (and your children) are not “good” because they do what we think they should. They are “good” simply because they are. God made them that way.

I find myself on occasion correcting my children not because they need correction but because I’m embarrassed that others will judge me for their behavior. Rather, I should be fostering their creativity, individuality, and a personal sense of “God-esteem.” I want them to learn everything they can including obedience. But that doesn’t include conformity. If you’ve never seen this incredible TED talk by Ken Robinson,” I think you would enjoy it.

Here’s another take on the issue by Christian leadership guru Tim Elmore.

Adoption Update

For those who have been following our adoption story (here, here and here), I wanted to update you again since many have not heard how we have “adjusted” in recent months. Initially we planned to adopt a son from Rwanda and set out on a year and half journey. With a month or two to go, Rwanda closed its doors to adoptive parents who did not have their documents on Rwandan soil. The reason for this was so Rwanda could become Hague “compliant.” You’ll be happy to know that those families who’s dossiers made it to Rwanda before the deadline are being processed quickly and that many families will see their new family members soon. We rejoice with them over this.

Beth and I spent some time soul-searching and decided to move forward with adoption through other means. We fully intend to internationally adopt a son from Rwanda. But in the meantime, we are domestically adopting a son through a local adoption agency’s minority program. We are very close to being “paper ready” to adopt (once again) but in the USA this time.  This really isn’t that big of an adjustment for us – we had always hoped to adopt two boys.

Now, this becomes a new journey for us. Transracial adoption is more easily accepted when the adoption is international. When you adopt from Africa, your child looks African. But when you purposefully set out to adopt a minority child domestically, people have been known to not be as accommodating. You are specifically choosing someone outside your race and for many this crosses lines. And surprisingly, those most angered are not the ones you may expect. Here’s a link that delves into that controversy some more. So, we realize we are embarking upon a journey that has taken a different turn.

We’re are quite comfortable with that. All children need a home – those in the United States and abroad. They all need loving families. Not perfect families. Loving ones. Maybe God will speak to you the same way he has to us. Maybe the question to ask is not “Why adopt?” Maybe the question is “Why not?”

“Windowless” Parenting

I am an anxious parent. Scratch that. Petrified parent. I read parenting books constantly. And the sole motivation for reading these books is the sheer terror I feel when I consider that the solutions to the problems I face as a parent are already solved in a book somewhere. And I haven’t read it yet. I have three daughters. They are all extremely bright and independent and beautiful. I’m sure they already intimidate the guys in their classes. Heck, they intimidate me! But I think I’ve already picked up on some things that will be foundation for my relationship with them. For example I have figured out that when raising daughters, the issue at hand is rarely the real issue. The meltdown over not eating vegetables has little to do with hunger. It’s usually a trigger for latent emotion stored up from a hurtful event earlier in the day (or week). I’m a guy so I assume it’s actually about vegetables. Guys, listen up: it’s not about vegetables. The next part of that process is to connect with your daughter in conversation so that she will eventually tell you what the real issue is. To me, that process is one of the most fascinating things about raising daughters…it’s kinda like a treasure hunt. I’ve got some good theories, too – things I won’t be able to test for a long time. For example, I have a hunch that the resistance I will feel from my children at age 16 will return to our relationship when they are 36 if I continue to treat them as I did 20 years earlier. So, I’m thinking about those things now as well…while I try to figure out what’s behind the vegetable “meltdown.”

One of the areas of ministry I oversee at my church is “discipleship.” That simply describes the process of people becoming more like Jesus. It’s a tricky business. I can provide “avenues” for others to engage God. But I can’t make people choose to deepen their relationship with God. Ultimately, I feel the burden for the spiritual well-being of our congregation. However, they are not my most important “calling.” The best place for me to help someone become more like Jesus is in my own home. My children are my ultimate disciples. People at church may get my ideas and programs. And I can counsel and give spiritual direction to them an hour at a time. But rarely can I be available to them like any true opportunity for discipleship needs. That side of me belongs to my children. They get my presence and my ability to teach in the moment.

Parents miss this. We fill our children’s lives with quotes and adages and morality tales as we whisk from one task to another. But we often forget about the most important thing: modeling the beliefs we desire to instill in our children.  We provide them no context in which to grasp our “wise words.” So our words fall flat. I call this “windowless” parenting. Children often have no context or “window” to see why parents feel the way they do. They see no action associated with what we tell them are our most cherished beliefs. We can tell our children to reserve judgment and refrain from gossip, but they listen to every phone conversation we have. We can tell them to be honest and authentic, but they hear how we mask our true intentions with others. We can tell them mom and dad love each other, but they rarely believe it until we ask them to not interrupt us while we tell our spouse about our day.

Be a window for your children. They are your disciples.

Go Ahead and Say It

I made a committment to myself about two years ago to say those things out loud that I think others should hear. No, not those things. The good things. The positive traits about others. And even then, not just what someone “does” that is admirable. I like to tell people they are great regardless of what they may or may not have done. Why? Because they are. People need to know that they matter. That they are taken seriously. That they are worth the fuss. When we stop and tell people what we like about them, we tell them that they are important enough to take time out of our own your little “world”  and be open with our compliments. And stopping means as much if not more than what you actually say. It’s not flattery or manipulation – it’s real. After all, each person we encounter is made in the image of God.

Take the phrase “I love you” for example. Most parents tell their children they love them at a few particular times a day. Dropping off to school, ending a phone call, or bedtime routines come to mind. But these events all have something in common: they are departure points of relational  interaction. In other words, we only say “I love you” when we’re leaving someone we care about.

Isn’t that kinda silly? Think about it – we only say we love others when we leave them. Maybe that’s fine for adults, but it’s possible that we send kids a mixed signal when we say that. I think kids walk away from that scenario unconsciously recognizing, “they love me but they are removing themselves from me.” Does that mean I shouldn’t tell my kids I love them as I drop them off at school? No, silly person. But if I never think to tell them I love them at other times, then “I love you” can become the same as “I’m leaving you.”

One of the greatest joys of life is catching your children by surprise with the words “I love you.” It’s great to watch that smile creep across their face as they realize you said it for no other reason than you meant it.  The other day, I leaned over my four-year-old and told her I loved her. She looked at me with great irritation and said, “I already know that!!” Now that is a beautiful thing to hear. And that surprise moment is a great feeling for adults, too. There’s nothing wrong with giving that compliment in the moment you think of it. It’s genuine, honest, and encouraging.

Bible Business School

When I was in college, I saw a bumper sticker on a car in front of me that has stuck with me over the last 15 years. It said: 

A Thorough Knowledge of the BIBLE

is Worth More Than a college education

It was actually a college student who was driving the car. I wasn’t sure what to make of that bumper sticker. It was brash and seemingly over-confident in its assessment right down to its capitalization. Sure, the Bible is life-changing but could it really hold the key to everything that I would encounter as an adult? I dismissed it as the bumper sticker of a narrow-minded Bible thumper. But recently, I’m beginning to think differently.

I read a good amount of business and leadership material. Not sure why – it’s what I’m into at the moment. But what I’ve noticed is that most often, the “jewels” of HBR, leadership journals, or the Godins and Peters of the world can be found in the book of Proverbs. And it usually only takes two sentences instead of twenty pages. Proverbs is full of something that scholars call “aphorisms” – They are simply generalized pieces of wisdom and wit that stand the test of time. Sure, Solomon probably had something to do with writing them, but more likely he was involved in the process of collecting them. They already existed and were in use not just in Jewish circles, but in other religious/ethnic circles as well. Why? Because you can live your life by them. Here are some Proverbs and their business counterparts.

Dan Pallotta from Havard Business Review says this about workplace gossip:

In business, for some reason, we don’t appreciate that the stakes are just as high, despite the fact that we spend much of our waking lives at work. Think of the amount of energy that goes into people undermining other people — all working for the same company — through gossip, for example…But gossip kills possibility…We end up working harder to undermine our fellow workers than we work to make the business work out in the market place. Competitors couldn’t possibly thwart the possibility of our success to the degree we thwart it ourselves.

The book of Proverbs deals with this same issue in 1/3 the space:

Proverbs 14:15: “The gullible believe anything they’re told; the prudent sift and weigh every word” (Message).

Proverbs 16:28 “A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends” (NLT).

Business and Marketing leader, Daniel Pink  has been promoting a new type of business training he calls the Four-Word MBA:

Lots of people spend lots of money on business school — and it’s often a worthy investment. You can learn new skills, broaden your network, and postpone reality for two years. But I’ve always thought about offering a far cheaper business credential — enduring advice for managers of any kind that I call The Four-Word MBA.

Here it is:

Talk less. Listen more.

Give it a try. It’ll make you a better leader.

I love Daniel Pink’s writings, but this idea is already in a book I own:

Proverbs 12:15: “Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others” (NLT).

Proverbs 19:20: “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise” (NIV).

My kids aren’t ready for the Harvard Business Review yet. But they are old enough to absorb the wisdom found in a proverb. Why? Because it’s never too early to learn about people. And no matter what business we enter, we still have to build relationships with those around us. The book of Proverbs can give them a head start. I don’t know that my kids will slap that same bumper sticker on the back of their car once they arrive at college. But maybe that wisdom can translate into a foundation for living that will enhance the knowledge they gain once they are there. It’s just a guess. Check back in twenty years and we’ll see.