Three Kinds of Friends

Still thinking about people and relationships. Here’s a follow-up post to Two Kinds of People.

Friendship is an elusive category. Not only de we have a difficult time perceiving people’s true intentions and motivations, we also find it difficult to sustain the friendships we aready have. Confession time: I am not the world’s greatest friend. I will let months pass before I make contact with people dear to me all the while believing the relationship won’t suffer. It’s a serious emotional “blind spot.” Fortunately, many of my closest friends understand this about me and continue to initiate conversation. Thank God for good friends.

 

There’s an old adage that says, “If you can count the number of true friends on one hand, you’re a fortunate soul.” I am very blessed to have more than a handful of people who care deeply about me. Some of them are longtime friends or relatives. Others are ministers – mentors and peers – from all over the U.S. And then there is a group I just “click with.” They “get” me. At the risk of sounding hokey, I think part of this is due to spiritual connection…a shade of explanation often lost when talking about why friendships last. I’ve also had people disappear from my life that I thought would be there forever. Though none of this is new to anyone, I’ve narrowed down friendship to three basic kinds. Understanding these has helped me define relationships and temper expectations for friendship. I thought I’d share them with you:

1) Friends of Mutual Accommodation - This the broadest field of friendship and may be little more than acquaintances…but often times there is more to it. By mutual accommodation I mean that these friendships are only as stable as our ability to meet the other person’s need. Once you can no longer provide the “upside” you once brought to the relationship, then the relationship fails. Sadly, most people come to friendship with the perspective that a friend is only as good as his or her ability to make us feel popular, attractive, or important. But none of these things has anything to do with real friendship. Our culture drives these shallow friendships.

2) Proximity Friends - I remember the first time I left a work environment. I assumed that the friendships there would last. Barring the occasional exception, they didn’t. I assumed these were deeper friendships than they were. Then I began to think, “Maybe something’s wrong with me.” But actually they were just proximity friends. By that I simply mean that we gain friendships based on our access to people. Rotary, Junior Service League, co-workers, church, the gym, etc. These friendships last only to the extent that we are a part of someone’s everyday routine and location. When “ease of access” disappears so does the friendship. A hurried lifestyle and convenience drives these friendships.

3) True Friends - True friendship is not tied to a person’s “upside” or to convenience. In fact, to have true friendship, we must discard all the motivations that drive the first two categories. So, there’s risk involved. Friendship exists simply because of an acceptance and a commitment to someone. These are the friendships you travel to maintain. These are the ones where the “surface talk” disappears quickly and an openness pervades the conversation. There’s no need for masks – no need to pretend you’re something you’re not. Weakness and struggle are not taboo topics. These are the friendships that have progressed and changed as the people inside them have changed. Some of the best clues are when others comment, “I never would have thought the two of you would be such good friends.” Or better yet, when someone asks how you became friends, you stare at each other and say “I’m not exactly sure…”

Circles of friendship and influence ebb and flow – that’s part of life. But don’t let anything hinder those true friendships God has placed in your life. They are the bedrock of a fulfilling life.

Two Kinds of People

“There are two types of people in this world: those who divide the world into two types of people and those who don’t.”

Corny. But funny.

Been thinking about people a lot lately. Some days I feel like I have a good grasp on the basic motivations of those I meet. Other days I walk away from someone thinking, “Did that really happen? Holy cow.” Sometimes the only way you know someone’s motives is to directly benefit or be ruined by them. Then you know.

I do believe there are two very common types of people in this world. The first type is the person you meet and immediately dislike, dismiss, or disregard. And then, over time, you figure out you completely misread them, their intentions, and their competency. Oops. Eventually, those people become the most trustworthy, loyal, and wise people you know.

The other type is the person you immediately like, respect, and value. And then, over time, you figure out that you have completely misread them, their intentions, and their competency. Oops. Eventually, those people cause you much grief, misunderstanding, and represent much of what you believe is wrong with the human race.

Here’s the problem. There are only two constants in both of these scenarios: you and a good long stretch of time. This may be up for debate, but I believe we should always give people the benefit of the doubt. I could also tell you to follow you intuition. But from what I can tell, the only way to distinguish the first type of person from the second is to interact with them for a significant period of time.

 

Luckily, Jesus gives us some insight into this in the parable of the wheat and weeds. Now, most scholars will point you to an schmaltzy end-times/judgment scenario with this. And that is accurate. But I also think there’s more to the story. Simply put, there are “weeds” that grow alongside “wheat.” And it’s no accident that the farmer tells that rookie laborer to sit back and let them grow. Here’s why – the “weed” Jesus is speaking about is called Darnel. It will make you seriously sick if harvested and processed into flour. Oh yeah – and it looks just like wheat. But the only way to tell it apart from the real thing is to wait until they are fully formed. Then the head of the wheat stalk tips over at harvest time. Then separating the two types becomes simple.

Same with those we meet. Reserve judgment. Most of us have been both “types” of people. I have. Treat everyone the same regardless of how you much you believe they belong in category 1 or category 2. Otherwise, you might harvest the wrong crop.

Want Clarity and Focus in Your Christianity? Try Fear of Death

The title is obviously tongue-in-cheek, people. He’s a little story from my past.

In the fall of my senior year in high school, I closed off the subclavian vein in my right shoulder and developed multiple blood clots in the same region. No one is exactly sure how that happened – probably a combination of heavy weightlifting and a smaller upper chest cavity. One evening, I notice my right arm had swollen and was becoming discolored. I wasn’t too worried about it until we saw a vascular surgeon who admitted me to intensive care the same day. As a eighteen year old with his life ahead of him, I faced the possibility of restricted use of my arm (a horrible scenario for a piano player) or worse - death.

Needless to say, that information pulled the rug out from under me. Though I loved God and served him wholeheartedly, I was unaware of the numerous other aspects of life that I allowed to define me: academics, popularity, sports, music, and physical appearance. Though I had prided myself on being above such trappings, when confronted with the possibility of losing them, I was terrified. Obviously, I survived the ordeal – I was in ICU for about seven days (I think) while the clots were dissolved and a network of ancillary veins slowly took over for the damaged one. But my time in that hospital bed changed my life.

I remember coming back to school a few weeks later after missing the last two games of football season. As I walked the halls with the other students, something had changed. Conversations that I normally would have jumped in or found interesting held absolutely no significance for me. I was completely lost within a new paradigm far removed from my immediate surroundings. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t think I talked much for a few days other than basic pleasantries and questions about the hospital stay. I was overwhelmed by the two conflicting sets of priorities. Personally, my priorities had shrunk to a very tight set of values revolving around God, family, and evangelism. Suddenly who I was taking to the prom seemed frivolous.

Gradually I adjusted back towards a normal “teenager” mentality before I headed to college. But I will never forget that feeling of being completely lost inside the familiar. One literature teacher, after watching the look on my face for about two weeks, asked me about it. I told her how I was feeling and she still uses the story in a lecture on some book – I think All the King’s Men. Anyway, some experiences in life, no matter how unforeseen, can change you permanently. I guess the lesson in all of that is this: when you find yourself in the middle of one of those life experiences, do your best to recognize how those events may shape your life in the future. In this way (pardon the philosophizing for a moment ) process philosophy‘s concept of humans as the sum of their personal experiences is correct. We are, to an extent, our history. Whitehead was just stating the obvious. And everyone has a “storyline” that shapes their paradigm. True friendship comes when others are interested enough in you to learn your “storyline” and interact with it.

On a side-note, as a Christian, one of the other most memorable moments in that whole ordeal was right before a surgery. I had been tired and nauseated for days and really didn’t want to speak to anyone. I had people praying in my hospital room constantly. Frankly, I was tired of praying. Really tired. I put on some headphones and started listening to a CD, Extreme’s III Sides to Every Story to be exact - a really good rock album, by the way. The people in the room stopped me. Saying, “You’re right before surgery, don’t you think you should pray some more?” I said, “No. I really want to listen to this music. I just need a break.” They said, “There will be time for music later.” Reluctantly (mostly because I was too tired to argue) I turned off the CD player and listened to people pray the exact same things they had been praying all morning. I don’t mean to sound flippant or ungrateful. I was thankful and I believe God brought me back to health – I should not be able to use my arm at all…and I have full use of it without restriction. But in that moment, I did swear to myself that I would never put someone that emotionally and physically tired under that much spiritual pressure. I wanted to think about anything else other than that surgery. As Christians, we should learn to read the nuances and respect the wishes of those we are praying for. Strange lesson to learn when facing the possibility of death, but an important one nonetheless.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the trip down memory lane with me. I’ll try to pick a lighter topic next time…